


far too much to carry

by Bara_no_Uta



Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [21]
Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Families of Choice, Post-Ending E (NieR: Automata)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27668770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: Anemone raised an eyebrow when she saw A2 approaching. “Is that who I think it is?”She sighed, running a hand through her hair. “Yeah. It’s the Commander. I hacked in to make sure she can’t hurt anyone, but… there are people who want her back.”---Emotions run high for everyone when they're able to save Commander.
Relationships: 2B/A2 (NieR: Automata), 6O/Commander White (NieR: Automata), A2 & Anemone (NieR: Automata)
Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892593
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	far too much to carry

**Author's Note:**

> I love White and I'm so happy that she's in the fic now! Of course, even though her journey is just now beginning, everyone else's are still underway as well.

Of all the things Devola and Popola may have expected when A2 and 2B returned to the Resistance camp, the possibility that they might come with another android never crossed their mind.

“Who is this?” Devola asked as Pod lowered Commander onto one of the beds in the infirmary area.

“The former Commander of the YoRHa,” A2 said. She and 2B handed the metal they carried to Devola and Popola respectively. “Could you try to repair her?”

“We’ll take a look,” Popola promised. The two of them set the metal down on the ground. They would find a better place for it later. Right now, helping someone who was injured took precedence over their idea of making instruments.

A2 and 2B followed them, and A2 began to explain, “I checked and her data seems to be pretty much intact. It’s just her body that suffered a lot of damage. But I did go in and change some permissions to stop her from calling down… whoever or whatever might be on the moon who possibly still wants us former YoRHa dead, y’know.”

She had already explained this to 2B, who understood. When she put it like that, it was hard to say she was wrong to have done that, especially since it was reversible.

“Fair enough.” Devola and Popola started assessing what repairs would need to be done so that they could gather the parts.

Meanwhile, A2 decided they needed to start planning. “As far as who will stay with her… I’d _definitely_ rather it not be me. Frankly, she’d probably rather it not be me, too.” Who would want to spend time around someone who hated them?

“I can do it, although…” If she was spending all her time with Commander, and A2 didn’t want to spend any time around Commander… there was an inherent problem there, because she and A2 wanted to spend time with one another. Wait a minute, though. 6O. “6O would want to know about this. I don’t know if she would want to stay with her all the time, but… she would want to know.”

And if nothing else, maybe they could trade off… if 6O was okay with that. A2 remembered that 6O still cared a great deal for Commander, but she also remembered that Commander was basically her ex-girlfriend or something – she still didn’t understand the full details of that – so she could imagine that it might be uncomfortable to spend so much time around her. But if 6O _was_ willing, that could be a way that she and 2B would still be able to spend time together, without her having to be around Commander.

“Why don’t you stay here, and I’ll go get 6O?” 2B suggested. Even though A2 and 6O had become fast friends, she still knew her better than A2 did.

“Sure. I should talk to Anemone too. I’m not sure how she’ll feel about this.”

“Okay. I’ll be back soon.”

A2 reached out to hold 2B’s hand briefly, giving it a small squeeze in a silent goodbye. 2B offered her a smile in return, before turning and leaving the camp.

A2 glanced at Devola and Popola. Well, if they needed materials or something, if she was only talking to Anemone, it wasn’t like she was going so far that they wouldn’t be able to find her. She decided not to say anything, not wanting to interrupt their work.

Anemone raised an eyebrow when she saw A2 approaching. “Is that who I think it is?”

She sighed, running a hand through her hair. “Yeah. It’s the Commander. I hacked in to make sure she can’t hurt anyone, but… there are people who want her back.”

“So long as you’re sure she isn’t a threat, I support that.” Ultimately, Anemone never really knew what to make of the Commander. The things she heard about her decisions during the mission where she had met A2 and the others seemed unforgivable, but Jackass had vouched for her and painted a very different picture. Then again, one could be forgiven for wondering what kind of judge of character Jackass was… Still, at least from a professional perspective, the alliance Anemone and Commander had for supplies and whatnot had gone smoothly. “By the way, do you know that Jackass is one of those people?”

A2 shook her head. “I had no idea they knew each other.” She couldn’t figure out how they would know each other, either, but honestly she also didn’t care. “I guess we can tell Jackass, once she wakes up.”

“Yeah, I think she’d want to know.” Anemone looked her over, trying to get a read on how A2 was feeling. Unfortunately, that kind of thing was never her strong suit, however. “How are you doing with all this?”

She thought about it, wanting to give Anemone an honest answer, before shaking her head. “I can’t think about that yet. Not when I have to face her.”

“I understand.” She really did. Sometimes, things were just too overwhelming, and she couldn’t blame A2 for not wanting to be vulnerable in front of the person who had sent her and her squadron on what turned out to, unbeknownst to them, effectively be a suicide mission. “I’m here if you want to talk about it later.”

A2 managed a small smile at that. “Thank you. I might take you up on that.” Plus, she imagined that Anemone might have some of her own feelings to process, so she would want to stop by later to check on her as well. Right now, she wasn’t sure she could handle anyone else’s feelings on top of her own.

Now that Anemone was up to speed, A2 made her way back to the infirmary, waiting for 2B to return.

2B went to the garden first, figuring that’s where 6O was most likely to be. She had realized in hindsight that it might have been more convenient if she had borrowed Pod 042 back for a bit to track her down, but by the time she thought of that, she was already halfway to the garden. If she couldn’t find her there, then she could return and do that.

Luckily for 2B, 6O did happen to be there. She seemed quite happy, talking to her plants. She had said once that she had read in some old world data that there was a belief that plants would grow better if they were spoken to, and she seemed to have taken that to heart.

When she heard 2B approach, 6O looked up and waved. “Hi, 2B!”

2B tried to return her smile, but she felt uneasy not knowing what to expect when Commander woke – or even if she could count on her definitely waking – and it didn’t quite meet her eyes.

6O’s smile quickly fell. “2B? What’s wrong?”

2B shifted her weight, wondering how 6O was going to take this news. “A2 and I found the Bunker. And we… found Commander.”

She covered her mouth, her eyes widening and filling with tears. “Is she… Can—Can she be… brought back?”

“That’s what Devola and Popola are finding out. A2 thinks they can do it.”

6O stood and threw her arms around 2B. “Thank you! And thank you for telling me!”

A little more used to displays of emotion now, 2B at least reciprocated the hug. “I’m not the one you should be thanking. It’s Devola and Popola who are repairing her, and it was A2 who got her out of the Bunker.” It had been at her request, but she had requested for them to help save Commander for her own sake. A2, Devola, and Popola were helping for her sake too, rather than their own, so they were the ones who deserved thanks.

“I’ll thank all of you.” She sniffled. Now was probably the time to be honest with 2B about the relationship she had had with the Commander, she decided. “You remember how I never told you and 9S how I know what the inside of her room looks like?”

This was an odd change of topic, but she could only assume 6O was bringing it up for a reason. “Now that you mention it, yes. I thought that was strange.”

“Well, the truth is, she and I… um… were involved… physically.”

She… maybe didn’t need to know that. 2B felt embarrassed to have learned this information, and tried not to think too much about it. “Okay?”

“I fell in love with her… And she turned me down, but I—I still love her, 2B.”

Honestly, 2B wasn’t sure how to take this information. It was hard to picture the Commander getting so personally involved with any of them, but she knew 6O wouldn’t lie. “Do you… want to see her?”

6O nodded, pulling away from 2B and wiping the tears from her cheeks.

That took courage, 2B couldn’t help but to think. She could only imagine how uncomfortable she would have been attempting to stay friends with A2, if her feelings hadn’t been reciprocated. “Let’s go see her, then.”

By the time they arrived, Devola and Popola had all the parts they would need prepared and were working on the repairs. That was a good sign, 2B hoped. She wouldn’t fully relax until after the Commander had been successfully rebooted, but at least all signs were still pointing to that being possible.

When 6O saw A2, she quickened her pace and went in for a hug. “Thank you. 2B told me that you got her out of the Bunker.”

She really didn’t feel like she ought to be thanked for that, considering that she had only done so for 2B’s sake, but she decided it might be better not to tell that to 6O. “…I know there are people who wanted to see her again.”

“I do,” she said. She wasn’t sure if A2 was talking about more than jut her, but certainly she was included in that group. “By the way, I told 2B… about me and the Commander.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Uh-huh. …I’m so happy that I’ll get to see her again.”

A2 looked at 2B, wondering if this was a good time to bring up the fact that, actually, someone was going to need to be seeing a whole lot of her. When 6O pulled away, she decided to broach the subject. “Speaking of seeing her… You know, there’s someone out there who orchestrated Project YoRHa. Someone above her, I think. And we’re not really sure we can trust her, so we’re thinking that someone needs to stay with her and keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn’t contact them or anything.”

“I’ll do it,” 6O said immediately. “I know her better than… maybe anyone.” Because of that, she knew that she could trust her, but she also had enough awareness to recognize that it was going to take some time for A2 to believe that.

“That’s fine with me,” 2B said. Even though she had initially planned to take on the job herself, she understood now that 6O and the Commander had had a different type of bond, and Commander would probably be more comfortable with her. Plus, this would solve the problem of how she could spend time with A2 without having Commander there.

A2 had expected to follow the plan that 2B had laid out earlier, and she hesitated at 6O’s declaration. “Are you sure? If she were to try to betray us, you’d have to fight her, you know.”

She was sure specifically because she knew that wouldn’t happen, but she was pretty sure that if she told A2 that, it was not going to help things go in her favor. She did have another idea, though. “I’m an H-type now though, remember? I could hack her and force her into sleep mode. No fighting necessary.”

“Technically you could, but… _could_ you, really?” If she were in a similar situation with 2B, could she do that? …As much as it pained her to think about, she had little doubt that the answer was yes, because the harm brought to 2B by shutting her down temporarily was exceptionally minor in comparison to the harm brought to the rest of them by someone trying to kill them. But she also had been hardened by difficult decisions on the battlefield in a way that 6O had never experienced.

“I promise, I would. After all, I couldn’t let anything bad happen to you or 2B!”

…Well, when she put it that way, A2 did believe her. Mostly because of 2B; she assumed she had just been added as a courtesy. But she knew that 6O would pretty much do anything for 2B’s sake. If she said that would include putting Commander into sleep mode for a bit, that seemed plausible. “Okay. If there’s any sign of trouble, then, put her into sleep mode and bring her to one of us.”

“I promise,” she said again.

She assumed that 2B is the one who 6O would choose in that situation, since both of them liked Commander. That was fine with her, though. She trusted 2B to do what was best for them all.

The three of them waited, until finally Devola and Popola approached.

“She should be ready to restart,” Popola told them. “It will be a shock. Unfortunately, she _will_ remember dying…” They had considered whether it would be kinder to simply erase the memory, but ultimately decided that was Commander’s choice to make, not theirs.

“I’ll come sit with her,” 6O volunteered, already moving into the infirmary area.

2B looked at A2. “I want to be there, too.”

A2 offered a reassuring smile. “Go ahead. I’m going to hang back here.” The reason for this was twofold. For one thing, she really doubted that the Commander would want to see her first thing upon waking. And for another thing, she didn’t particularly care to see the Commander, either. The idea of seeing her in a vulnerable state upon having just woke up felt… wrong. Instead, she went to stand next to Anemone.

6O took a seat on the edge of the bed Commander laid on and held her hand. 2B sat on the bed on the other side of her, not wanting to crowd her too much. Standing right near the head of the bed, Popola commenced the restart sequence.

When her eyes opened, the first thing that she processed was that she was not in the Bunker. That’s right, the Bunker had exploded… She had been infected… How was she even alive? As she looked around at each of the androids around her in turn, she slowly puzzled together that they must have found some way to bring her back. When she looked down, she was surprised to see that she was still in her own body – they hadn’t used any sort of backup data. Well, perhaps that much was obvious by the fact that she remembered her death. She sat up, only then noticing that 6O was holding her hand. Looking at her, she requested, “Status report?”

It was a little jarring to find herself suddenly asked to do an Operator-like job, after the past weeks of living according to her own wishes. Still, she was sure it was nowhere near as jarring as waking up when the last thing you remembered was your own seemingly permanent death. “Right. Units 2B, 9S, 21O, and myself are alive. After the Bunker exploded… Well, a lot of things happened… I wasn’t there for all of it… but the war is over. The machines don’t fight us anymore. We get to live freely.”

“I see.” She pulled her hand away from 6O, looking at both of her hands, seemingly in disbelief that she was alive.

“Commander… It’s good to see you again,” 2B said softly.

A bitter smile crossed her face. “I’m not the Commander anymore.”

Calling her ‘White’ felt wrong. She had only ever used her title in the entire time she had known her. But… she couldn’t deny the accuracy of that statement. “Then… if you’d prefer… ‘White’?”

White didn’t answer. She clasped her hands in her lap, staring into the distance as she tried to figure out what her next move should be.

“Um, White?” 6O felt more comfortable calling her by name, because White had always asked that she use it when they were intimate together. She had said it was because when it was just the two of them, she wanted 6O to see her as an equal, not a superior. “Just so you know…” 6O paused, unable to bring herself to tell her that she wasn’t trusted.

2B understood where she had been going with that and picked it up for her. “On Earth, we’ve collaborated with other androids. Some don’t know you as well, and… don’t trust you. You might notice that a couple of your settings have been changed… and part of the agreement in bringing you back was that someone would keep an eye on you until you’ve earned everyone’s trust.”

That didn’t surprise her. In fact, it was more of a surprise to her that _anyone_ trusted her or wanted her back. “I understand.”

6O offered her a smile. “I was thinking… you could stay with me, if you want?”

White nodded. If 6O wanted her around, then she supposed she had little choice but to agree.

Popola moved to stand beside her, opposite 6O. “I’m Popola, one of the androids that worked on your repairs. I know this is a lot to take in all at once, so I recommend that you spend some time trying to relax.”

Devola went next to 6O. “I’m Devola, and I helped Popola. What she’s trying to say is, we all know that a prolonged overload of stress is bad for our systems. I’m sure it was unavoidable in the past, but now… we hope you can take better care of yourself.”

“Let’s go to where I’ve been staying,” 6O offered. “On the way in, I’ll show you the garden A2 has been helping me grow!” As soon as she said the words, she froze.

“A2…” White looked around, not seeing her.

Hearing her name – because while she had tried to give them privacy, the camp wasn’t exactly big enough to prevent her from overhearing the conversation – A2 stepped into the infirmary area. She tried to keep her expression neutral, although the tension in her body pretty much showed her disdain. “Yeah. I’m still kicking too.”

_I’m glad you’re alive._ She stopped herself from saying it, sure she had no right to offer those words.

When all that followed was an awkward silence, A2 shook her head and walked back over to Anemone.

After a while of sitting in that silence, White looked to 6O, and 6O smiled at her. “Shall we go?”

When White got to her feet, 6O started to lead her out of the camp.

“I’ll check in with you two tomorrow,” 2B said. This was partly so they would have time to process, partly so she would have time to process, and partly to support A2. Once they had left, she joined A2 in Anemone’s tent.

“So. That happened,” A2 said, a little of the tension finally releasing from her body now that it was just the three of them talking. “Anemone, I’m not sure that tomorrow is going to be a great day for gardening.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Anemone assured her and 2B. “I’m sure there’ll be more opportunities to get to know each other after things have settled down. Anyway, how are you guys doing?”

A2 motioned for 2B to go ahead and answer first. Knowing that this was something 2B had wanted, she felt guilty to share the depths of the anger she was feeling herself.

“I’m relieved she’s okay… but I’m also hurt. I still don’t know why she ordered us to do the things we did when there are no humans to fight for. I want to get those answers from her, but now didn’t seem like the right time.”

“I have questions for her too,” A2 said. “Maybe we can ask her together, sometime.” Struggling to find words to reassure 2B when she was barely able to keep a lid on her own feelings, she settled for holding her hand. Fortunately, if the way 2B relaxed and a small smile appeared on her face was any indication, that seemed to help.

“I would like that. I think… it’ll be easier, once I understand.” Even if she wondered if she should trust her or not, the fact remained that she still did. And because she trusted her, she remained fairly steady in her belief that the Commander had had a good reason to put them through what she had.

“I hope it does.” She meant that, too. As angry as she was at the Commander, A2 didn’t want to see 2B feel even more hurt. If Commander was able to answer things in a way that made 2B feel better, then she would be glad for that.

“What about you, A2?”

A2 withdrew her hand from 2B’s, afraid that she would hurt her by squeezing too hard as her hands balled into fists. “I hate her. It’s not right—it’s not fair—Why do people like her and I get to live, when _they_ had to die?”

Anemone was the first to react, because unlike 2B, she instantly knew exactly who A2 was talking about. “No. 2.” She moved to stand in front of her, hoping to hold A2’s attention, which she was sure was currently divided between their conversation and painful memories. “First of all, you are nothing like her.”

_I am! It’s my fault they died! I’m the one who got them wrapped up in it!_ She wanted to shout the words, but she already knew that Anemone would tell her they weren’t true, so she just shook her head.

2B came closer and, though Anemone was in front of A2, hugged her from the side. _I’m glad you’re alive,_ 2B wanted to say, but was too afraid that A2 would say she wished she wasn’t.

The message was received all the same, as part of A2 knew that 2B felt that way.

“Seeing the Commander come back reminds you that they’re gone,” Anemone reflected, hoping to help her ground herself in the present again. She understood because she felt the same way, but now wasn’t the time to delve into her own feelings.

She hated both the Commander and herself for, in her eyes, sending them to their deaths. “It reminds me that I failed all of you,” she said quietly, some of her anger fading into that raw grief that she only sometimes felt strong enough to face.

“You didn’t fail anyone. You made the best decisions you could for the group, and so did Rose. You were placed into an impossible situation, and were just trying to get through it.”

She turned to face 2B, finally reciprocating the hug, even if she felt embarrassed to be this vulnerable in front of the whole Resistance camp. “How could she do that to us? How could she send us to die?” Her voice breaking and muffled by 2B’s shoulder, it was almost difficult to hear her questions, but the anguish was unmistakable.

2B held her tighter, wishing she had the answers. As much as she trusted Commander, she couldn’t blame A2 for being angry with her.

Anemone took a few breaths. It was hard sometimes, when A2 voiced the exact same types of thoughts that she used to have. “I’ve often wondered that too. Why our teams were abandoned. In the end, I don’t know. But it’s not our faults. The only ones to blame are whoever made the decision. And maybe they see us as disposable, but we have our own… our own allies here, where we know we’re irreplaceable.”

She wanted to protest that it wasn’t fair that the others didn’t get to be part of that, but she held back, feeling that she had no right to complain when Anemone had lost so many more allies than she had. Instead, she forced herself to gather her composure, wiping her tears and pulling away from 2B to face Anemone. “How are you doing with this?”

She could tell that A2 was now putting on a strong front for her sake, but she decided to let it go for now. That determined support of those she cared for… was very much the No. 2 she had known back then, which felt bittersweet now. “I’m doing alright. I agree with you, it’s hard not to think of others who have been lost when some get to be brought back. But I’ve seen it happen enough that I’ve gotten to a point where I can be thankful for the ones we can bring back, and accept the loss of the ones we can’t. …I won’t say it doesn’t hurt. But it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.”

Not sure how to provide reassurance when she was struggling with the same feelings, A2 gave her a hug.

That got a soft, fond laugh out of Anemone as she hugged back. “It’s good to see you letting yourself feel again, No. 2. Even when it’s hard. I can tell that you’re happier now… overall.”

When they pulled away from one another, A2 managed a small smile. “It scared me, to care about people again. But it helps that I’m not alone.”

Anemone smiled back at her. “I really am okay. You two have had a long day… You should go do something relaxing, too.”

A2 took 2B’s hand, her thumb gently running across the fabric of 2B’s glove. “I like the sound of that.”

“We could go fishing?”

She almost laughed at that response, which was not even slightly a surprise. “Fishing sounds wonderful. …Anemone, I’ll stop by again soon.”

“Yeah, please do. Take care of yourselves, and each other, okay?”

“We will,” 2B promised.


End file.
